A Question Of Will

3 Ramadhan 1432

Last year someone, a non-Muslim friend, said to me, apropos of the fasting I was undergoing, You have great will power. I understood why they said this, but was also aware that it wasn't really true, not in this situation anyway.

The experience of fasting doesn't seem to be about individual will. After all, there's nothing the individual actually does. Fasting entails becoming part of something else that goes beyond volition. You're part of something a lot bigger than yourself - on a simple level a body of millions of sisters and brothers, some mere children, engaged in the same exercise. It's true that you must have intention - without the niat the fasting is invalid anyway - but it curiously doesn't seem to be personal intention in the usual sense.

I remember the first time I ever fasted thinking, I've never done, never experienced anything remotely like this before. What was true then remains so in quite a different fashion.

On The Way

2 Ramadhan 1432

On one level the fast is an exercise in defamiliarisation, and a powerful one at that. A day at work when you can't grab a snack or a quick cup of tea is a radically different, less comfortable beast than the one with which one is on such friendly terms. But it has subtle qualities that are worth encountering.

It's like being taken to a different place without switching location. Or seeing where you are through new eyes.

Just The Start

1 Ramadhan 1432

I'd forgotten how tough fasting can be. Remembering is jarring, refreshing, enlightening.

The mercy of being able to do it all again is cause for great celebration in our little corner of the Hall.

Questioning Belief

This is by way of a further comment on the two anonymous comments which I allowed to appear on the entry for 24 July. I was asked to consider some 'articles' on a particular website apparently devoted to 'understanding Islam' and say what I made of them. Well, there's not much to say really. The material was simplistic in the extreme (pun intended) and that's about it.

I'd rather take this opportunity to point out that there's something inherently untrustworthy about any source claiming to understand any mode of thought that then seeks to discredit it. Indeed, if any of my students are reading this, please note that it's a useful rule of thumb regarding any Internet-based source that if it's obviously attacking something - a religion, a mode of thought or set of ideas, an individual, an institution - it needs to be read with particular care and scepticism. That's not to say all such material is flawed, but it's healthy to read it as if it is.

And for those of my particular religious persuasion: selamat berpuasa to you all.

Of National Importance

Another kind of rehearsing today involving family. Brother-in-law Fuad's younger brother, Fahmi, is the Parade Commander this year for the big National Day Parade and they've got the dress rehearsal today, the dress rehearsal being pretty much the real thing with a big audience who get to enjoy all the performances. Rozita & Fuad are going along, but it looks like Fafa will be attending our little show this evening.

Hope Fahmi is in good voice - as his son Shibri rightly pointed out to the press, he's generally so gently spoken it's difficult to imagine him barking out orders on the big field. Actually he's one of the nicest blokes I know and it's lovely to think of him being centrestage. For once, we'll be glued to our tv screens for the whole jamboree come 9 August.

Stepping Outside

Something unusual today: I actually found time to get to Friday Prayers on the first day of performance of a show. Testimony indeed to how well our cast and crew prepared themselves.

And it was at prayers that, in a moment of reflection, the ultimate 'message' of the show, in so far as a message may be discerned from so many voices, became apparent to me: In our guilt and our fear and our secrets and shame / On The Inside we are all much the same. (With apologies to Gabriel and his secret world.)

Showtime

Now putting the finishing touches to a mosaic created by one heck of a lot of people. As always, wonderfully rewarding and a touch scary. One thing for sure: there'll be plenty of adrenaline flowing tomorrow, even in this old body.

Out Of This World

When Noi got back from her weekend visit to Melaka she was not aware of the terrible events in Norway of the previous days. It's often that way when we travel north. I remember us not knowing about the US-led invasion of Iraq until three days into the operation.

Sometimes it's good not to know. It's the closest we'll ever get to some kind of return to innocence.

Amy, Amy, Amy

Played the first Amy Winehouse album, Frank, over the weekend. I never got the other better selling one, but it was sort of on my list for the future. First saw her on the Jools Holland programme they sometimes used to air over here - she appeared on the same night as Pearl Jam (who were brilliant.) This was before she became a bit of a public embarrassment, or before I became aware that she was such.

It's an engaging album with genuine originality. My favourite track Amy, Amy, Amy actually manages self-deprecating humour, charm and real oomph. I understand she was just nineteen when she wrote it. They say she couldn't handle the fame her gift brought with it. She certainly couldn't handle the drugs.

I'm not thinking too deeply about this, except to say I loathe the kind of drug culture that battens on victims like this poor kid. Twenty-seven. Just at the beginning. People who know about these things sometimes refer to getting wasted on illegal substances. Absolutely - a complete waste.

Questions Of Belief

Today's entry is by way of a reply to some interesting questions asked of me by someone who'd read the blog a few days back under the comments bit. S/he inquired as to where I saw myself fitting into Islam, whether I converted due to social necessity and whether my faith is unshakeable.

As I answered under the same comments, I find myself fitting into the world of Islam with remarkable ease. Its rich and varied thought world has been and is exciting to explore. I suppose I feel most at ease with what might broadly be termed the Sufi tendencies within the faith, but this is, as always, to oversimplify. I might add here that I follow Blake's dictum All Religions Are One, so what I find rewarding in Islam is not exclusive to the faith, but I do feel temperamentally attuned to the Muslim way of doing things. And another clarification is worthwhile here. I find a lot of people seem to assume that religious faiths are somehow monolithic in their dogma. Whilst I can understand why this assumption is made, it seems to me deeply uncharacteristic of the nature of those faiths. The capacity to cater to a vast range of needs and demands of their adherents is more obviously what distinguishes living faiths.

I certainly did need to convert in order to marry my wife, a need that was attended with deep joy. Would I have converted had I never met her? I think there's a fair chance I would have. Indeed, there's an argument that says once you are able to say: There is no God but God, and Muhammad is his Messenger, you are muslim (though perhaps not Muslim.) I reckon accepting this argument might well exponentially increase the number of muslims in the world. However, had I remained on that level I'd never have experienced the rewards of Muslim practice - and there's an argument that Muslims might be distinguished by what they do, rather than what they believe.

As for the notion of steadfastness, I must say it doesn't have a lot of meaning for me. I don't find great obstacles to belief, quite the opposite, but I'm happy to consider well-founded, well-informed criticisms of Islam, or religious faith in general. I suppose you might say I don't feel in the least threatened by these. I've always been puzzled by the notion that theists of various colours don't feel doubt when it's so obvious that most, if not all, do - and rightly so. The dark night of the soul is a real lived experience, and possibly a necessary one.

Anyway that's my fairly obviously inadequate attempt to do justice to the questions. I'd get seriously worried if I found the answers flowing more readily.