Talking It Out

We weren't sure that Hamzah & family would come over to Mak's house yesterday, with the loss of Sharifah so fresh, but happily they were able to do so. This added even more significance to the prayers read, and I think helped with the process of grieving for all the family. I felt some relief myself being able to talk at length to Hamzah about pretty much everything, our conversation going on to the early hours. They set off back to Shah Alam in the late morning, I hope feeling a tiny bit better for the warmth & support of all around them.

And we ourselves will be departing yet again in a couple of hours. There always more to get on with, part of the gift of being alive.

Presence And Absence

We've driven up to Melaka for the second day of Raya. The family will be reading Surah Ya-Sin in the evening for Sharifah. Much cheerful noise just now for the distribution of packets and taking of photos. A way of compensating for the silence.

A Sort Of Beginning

Hari Raya Puasa, Eid ul-Fitr; 1 Syawal, 1447

07.43

About to enjoy a large mug of coffee at a time that feels wrong but is right again. Now adjusting to the loose demands of the usual routine on a happily special day.

10.06

Well, that was a more exciting morning than expected. We arrived at Masjid Darussalam at what we thought was a decent time for the second shift of prayers for Raya only to discover they'd already started. Fortunately the helpful attendants outside re-directed us to a void deck just across the road where it turned out that the overspill from the crowded mosque (still under renovations) was being accommodated and we got there with five minutes to spare. Now gently recovering at home, though Noi is a bit behind in her preparations as a result of her unforeseen trip to KL the other day. She just said it doesn't really like Raya with the house still mildly unready, but with prayers performed it does to me. Must say, I like praying at a void deck in something close to the open air, especially on a happily sunny morning. Sort of au naturel in its way.

21.05

A loud and cheerful afternoon has turned into a quiet and fairly restful evening following the departure of our guests. It's good to celebrate. And good to cogitate afterwards.

And better still to wish to all who held fast: Eid Mubarak!

Making An Ending

30 Ramadhan, 1447

15.31

I've been on the go with stuff for work, shopping for Raya, tidying up and attending Friday Prayers since the early morning. Noi arrived back from Malaysia at 5.10 am and I opted to stay up and get the day in motion rather than going back to bed after sahur and doing the dawn prayer. Now I'm feeling the effects and also feeling oddly impatient to finish the fast. I say 'oddly' since I haven't felt this way since Day 3.

19.04

Close to buka, and still impatient. You'd think after all these years I'd have learnt something about waiting. And I have. But not enough.

21.05

Neither Noi nor myself have any great appetite after breaking the fast. This evening we're just finishing off bits & pieces left over the last few days along with a few boiled sweet potatoes we picked up in the morning's shopping. All very easy and highly satisfactory. A fitting low-key climax to all the effort of the last thirty days.

Lighting Up

29 Ramadhan, 1447

It's time to try and find some kind of light in the darkness.

Loss

28 Ramadhan, 1447

A day darkly coloured by deeply sad family news. We'd been worried by recent developments in Sharifah's illness throughout the month and these culminated in what felt like the sudden news of her death as Maghrib arrived today. She'd been in isolation in hospital since early in the month and been struggling with a lung infection. Things appeared to have taken a turn for the better recently, though, and she was actually back on an ordinary ward yesterday. But her oxygen levels suddenly dropped today and she was rushed to ICU. It seems the damage caused to her lungs by the infection was irreparable. 

Noi & Rozita are now working out how they are going to get to KL for the funeral, which is likely to take place tomorrow morning. Unfortunately I'm stuck here meeting deadlines and will be sticking to our original plan of travelling north over the Raya weekend. At least, it looks that way at the moment but things are understandably in flux.

But regardless of any planning the sense of loss is powerful. Hamza and the children have had time to prepare, but that's never really enough to help cope with the passing of someone so dearly loved & regarded.

Changing Times

27 Ramadhan, 1447

We found ourselves in Geylang in the late afternoon. We were there essentially to pay zakat, a mission we accomplished at Darul Arqam without too much fuss. The building, by the way, has undergone some kind of renovation which has meant changes to the interior decor. I'm afraid that none of this appealed at all to Noi and myself, custodians of the way things used to be as we are.

Something similar applied to the general ambiance of this year's bazaar at Geylang. It felt distinctly low-key having been considerably reduced in scope. Now there are hardly any stalls at all on the side of the road where Darul Arqam is positioned. This made it easy to walk there, just as it had been easy to find a place to park, but we missed the cheerful inconvenience of previous years.

Mind you, we were wandering around before the festive lights were to be switched on and the whole thing may have proved more happening later. Noi was talking about going again in the evening in the days that remain, but not with any great keenness. I suppose we miss the days of yore. Just hope that for those who are newly making memories the sense of genuine celebration of the Holy Month remains.

Across The Miles

26 Ramadhan, 1447

Just concluded a long distance chat between ourselves and John & Jeanette. Both ends of the chat moaning about the state of the world.  Both ends finding some relief in venting their feelings about certain individuals they held largely responsible for such. Both ends naming the same names. 

I think both couples felt that little bit better for that aspect of the discussion. But better still was just the chatting about friends & family and feeling warmer & richer and that little bit more normal in the process. 

Losing Count

25 Ramadhan, 1447

Just five days to observe the fast left after today. And since we're now enjoying the start of the one week March vacation it would appear that the deepest challenges are now over. But you never know.

Just like I never really know my real step count for the day. The app thingy on my phone frequently ends the day telling me I've managed more than 10,000 steps, only for the number to mysteriously decline by the time the next day begins. Not sure why and how the rounding down takes place because I don't care about the count in any real sense.

Numbers seem real, but are deceiving. They can only point in broad directions no matter how precise they seem. (Except when you're building a house. Then you seriously need to get them right. There are limits to philosophising, you know.)

A Matter Of Routine

24 Ramadhan, 1447

Got to the gym ahead of breaking the fast yet again. It's now something of a routine and no longer feels that little bit strange, that tiny bit daring, as it did initially. Even The Missus no longer expresses any particular concern as I make my way down to do my thing.

As the month began I set a broad target of ten visits to the gym over the course of Ramadhan and today I recorded the ninth. Which makes me complacently pleased with myself - until I recall just how much I've struggled  to keep going for the full hour on the elliptical trainer, even when I've lowered the resistance. Today it was at full resistance and the muscles in my legs are sort of remembering that even as I sit and relax. 

Hoping to avoid the ambush of a sudden burst of cramp as I lie sleeping later. But will treat it as a reasonable price to pay if I have to suffer such.