Performance Art

A former colleague from my previous school once told me he couldn't understand how I managed to look so calm and unflustered when talking to a largish audience of parents about the school's programme for its first year students. I'd sort of been selected as the spokesperson for the school in my third and final year there since it was generally agreed that I looked calm in pretty much every public situation, almost as if I was enjoying myself and this would go down well with what nowadays gets termed 'stakeholders'. My answer seemed to take the questioner by surprise, and took me a moment or two to figure out myself since I'd not really ever asked that question of myself at the time in question.

I'm just pretending to be calm. I'm a pretty good actor and it seems to work. (Not sure that that's exactly what I said, but it's close.)

What I didn't get into is the weirdness of acting and the way you (well, me, anyway) start to feel exactly what you are pretending to feel. To this day my pulse races - I think - before speaking in public (except in front of a class) so the nervousness, the being flustered, is real. But it disappears once the act begins.

I sometimes wonder if physical fear might disappear if one pretends to be brave. But I'm too much of a coward to try that one out.

A Matter Of Disagreement

The desire of my colleagues to avoid any real disagreement over various aspects of teaching strikes me as very odd. There's so much to heartily disagree on that it seems a wasted opportunity not to explore necessary and helpful differences of practice and opinion. To tell the truth, I'm not too sure I've ever really agreed with myself on some fundamentals of the trade.

Over the weekend I experienced a distinct shift in opinion with regard to the brave new world of AI, and I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with what I now think I think. It would be nice to feel certain over these matters, I suppose, but not terribly exciting.

The Old Normal

It seems a long time since Fasting Month concluded. The tiny miracle of eating & drinking at any time of day is now taken for granted. And we've done particularly well for ourselves this weekend with a lunch at Ismail's place yesterday and baked potatoes with tuna & corn & salad just now, resulting in my feeling distinctly full. (I resisted the temptation of embracing a second helping on the grounds that I can no longer deal with being bloated in the manner my younger self could just about cope with.)

So there we have it - one of the unexpected benefits of the fast: it becomes difficult to take the simple joys of the everyday for granted. Thus intensifying those joys.

Not a bad pay-off in its way.

Extreme Gratitude

I think that keeping a Gratitude Journal is a jolly good idea. I don't do so myself - not exactly sure why not, probably lack of time rather than lack of gratitude - but if I did today's entry would read: I feel profoundly grateful for the accident of living my life at broadly the same time as that of Sir Paul McCartney.

This thought came upon me (and I suspect lots of other folks) yesterday when the lyric video for Days We Left Behind made it to YouTube. Ironically the line No one needs to cry made me do precisely the opposite to what it enjoins.

Thinking It Out

Not sure that this thought from yesterday was in any way original for me, but it felt newly minted. And here it comes: Joyce represents three entirely distinct modes of consciousness for the key characters in Ulysses, yet they are all versions of himself - Poldy, Stephen and Molly. (Yes, I know Molly is Nora, but Jim inhabits his long-suffering Wife & Muse.)

How did he do it? Genius, yes, but a kind of absolute honesty about the nature of the self helped.

I can't aspire to that. But I can offer a rapidly written list of modes of thought - knocked off in ten minutes - that seem to me so individual as to hardly overlap. And here it comes: relaxed day dreaming of the wish fulfilment variety; sexual fantasizing; figuring out a schedule when impossibly busy; reading fiction and responding; reading non-fiction and responding; listening to poetry that works; listening to poetry that doesn't work; remembering stuff that happened in childhood; listening to a friend; listening to criticism of oneself; listening to something you're not listening to.

In Thought

Managed to find some time today to think about thinking. Was basically playing around with thoughts I've experienced many times before when it occurred to me that the thoughts were not exactly mine but thoughts I'd somehow picked up from others and, in some surreptitious way, made my own. Except I had no sense that they in any way belonged to me. In fact, I was distantly aware that I was just a vehicle for the thoughts and belonged to them.

Now, there's a thought.

Getting Back To Business

Quite a taxing first day of term at work, made slightly more challenging due to the fact that we reached our usual Far Place quite late in the day yesterday and I felt as if I would have benefitted from a couple of hours more sleep than I managed. The highway home was typically dense with traffic, which Noi negotiated with some aplomb to ensure we arrived in one piece, even if later than expected. No, that's not really true. We knew ahead of the weekend that we would be lucky to be afforded any easy journey over the Raya weekend, so were lucky that the drive up to Melaka was reasonably smooth. Basically we expected delays on Monday and got them more than amply.

One variation on our usual practice worked well for us, though. We came back via the crossing at Woodlands rather than by Tuas and getting through immigration on both sides was easy enough. Something to be thankful for, even if I'm moaning a wee bit here.

Talking It Out

We weren't sure that Hamzah & family would come over to Mak's house yesterday, with the loss of Sharifah so fresh, but happily they were able to do so. This added even more significance to the prayers read, and I think helped with the process of grieving for all the family. I felt some relief myself being able to talk at length to Hamzah about pretty much everything, our conversation going on to the early hours. They set off back to Shah Alam in the late morning, I hope feeling a tiny bit better for the warmth & support of all around them.

And we ourselves will be departing yet again in a couple of hours. There's always more to get on with, part of the gift of being alive.

Presence And Absence

We've driven up to Melaka for the second day of Raya. The family will be reading Surah Ya-Sin in the evening for Sharifah. Much cheerful noise just now for the distribution of packets and taking of photos. A way of compensating for the silence.

A Sort Of Beginning

Hari Raya Puasa, Eid ul-Fitr; 1 Syawal, 1447

07.43

About to enjoy a large mug of coffee at a time that feels wrong but is right again. Now adjusting to the loose demands of the usual routine on a happily special day.

10.06

Well, that was a more exciting morning than expected. We arrived at Masjid Darussalam at what we thought was a decent time for the second shift of prayers for Raya only to discover they'd already started. Fortunately the helpful attendants outside re-directed us to a void deck just across the road where it turned out that the overspill from the crowded mosque (still under renovations) was being accommodated and we got there with five minutes to spare. Now gently recovering at home, though Noi is a bit behind in her preparations as a result of her unforeseen trip to KL the other day. She just said it doesn't really feel like Raya with the house still mildly unready, but with prayers performed it does to me. Must say, I like praying at a void deck in something close to the open air, especially on a happily sunny morning. Sort of au naturel in its way.

21.05

A loud and cheerful afternoon has turned into a quiet and fairly restful evening following the departure of our guests. It's good to celebrate. And good to cogitate afterwards.

And better still to wish to all who held fast: Eid Mubarak!