Extreme Gratitude

I think that keeping a Gratitude Journal is a jolly good idea. I don't do so myself - not exactly sure why not, probably lack of time rather than lack of gratitude - but if I did today's entry would read: I feel profoundly grateful for the accident of living my life at broadly the same time as that of Sir Paul McCartney.

This thought came upon me (and I suspect lots of other folks) yesterday when the lyric video for Days We Left Behind made it to YouTube. Ironically the line No one needs to cry made me do precisely the opposite to what it enjoins.

Thinking It Out

Not sure that this thought from yesterday was in any way original for me, but it felt newly minted. And here it comes: Joyce represents three entirely distinct modes of consciousness for the key characters in Ulysses, yet they are all versions of himself - Poldy, Stephen and Molly. (Yes, I know Molly is Nora, but Jim inhabits his long-suffering Wife & Muse.)

How did he do it? Genius, yes, but a kind of absolute honesty about the nature of the self helped.

I can't aspire to that. But I can offer a rapidly written list of modes of thought - knocked off in ten minutes - that seem to me so individual as to hardly overlap. And here it comes: relaxed day dreaming of the wish fulfilment variety; sexual fantasizing; figuring out a schedule when impossibly busy; reading fiction and responding; reading non-fiction and responding; listening to poetry that works; listening to poetry that doesn't work; remembering stuff that happened in childhood; listening to a friend; listening to criticism of oneself; listening to something you're not listening to.

In Thought

Managed to find some time today to think about thinking. Was basically playing around with thoughts I've experienced many times before when it occurred to me that the thoughts were not exactly mine but thoughts I'd somehow picked up from others and, in some surreptitious way, made my own. Except I had no sense that they in any way belonged to me. In fact, I was distantly aware that I was just a vehicle for the thoughts and belonged to them.

Now, there's a thought.

Getting Back To Business

Quite a taxing first day of term at work, made slightly more challenging due to the fact that we reached our usual Far Place quite late in the day yesterday and I felt as if I would have benefitted from a couple of hours more sleep than I managed. The highway home was typically dense with traffic, which Noi negotiated with some aplomb to ensure we arrived in one piece, even if later than expected. No, that's not really true. We knew ahead of the weekend that we would be lucky to be afforded any easy journey over the Raya weekend, so were lucky that the drive up to Melaka was reasonably smooth. Basically we expected delays on Monday and got them more than amply.

One variation on our usual practice worked well for us, though. We came back via the crossing at Woodlands rather than by Tuas and getting through immigration on both sides was easy enough. Something to be thankful for, even if I'm moaning a wee bit here.

Talking It Out

We weren't sure that Hamzah & family would come over to Mak's house yesterday, with the loss of Sharifah so fresh, but happily they were able to do so. This added even more significance to the prayers read, and I think helped with the process of grieving for all the family. I felt some relief myself being able to talk at length to Hamzah about pretty much everything, our conversation going on to the early hours. They set off back to Shah Alam in the late morning, I hope feeling a tiny bit better for the warmth & support of all around them.

And we ourselves will be departing yet again in a couple of hours. There's always more to get on with, part of the gift of being alive.

Presence And Absence

We've driven up to Melaka for the second day of Raya. The family will be reading Surah Ya-Sin in the evening for Sharifah. Much cheerful noise just now for the distribution of packets and taking of photos. A way of compensating for the silence.

A Sort Of Beginning

Hari Raya Puasa, Eid ul-Fitr; 1 Syawal, 1447

07.43

About to enjoy a large mug of coffee at a time that feels wrong but is right again. Now adjusting to the loose demands of the usual routine on a happily special day.

10.06

Well, that was a more exciting morning than expected. We arrived at Masjid Darussalam at what we thought was a decent time for the second shift of prayers for Raya only to discover they'd already started. Fortunately the helpful attendants outside re-directed us to a void deck just across the road where it turned out that the overspill from the crowded mosque (still under renovations) was being accommodated and we got there with five minutes to spare. Now gently recovering at home, though Noi is a bit behind in her preparations as a result of her unforeseen trip to KL the other day. She just said it doesn't really like Raya with the house still mildly unready, but with prayers performed it does to me. Must say, I like praying at a void deck in something close to the open air, especially on a happily sunny morning. Sort of au naturel in its way.

21.05

A loud and cheerful afternoon has turned into a quiet and fairly restful evening following the departure of our guests. It's good to celebrate. And good to cogitate afterwards.

And better still to wish to all who held fast: Eid Mubarak!

Making An Ending

30 Ramadhan, 1447

15.31

I've been on the go with stuff for work, shopping for Raya, tidying up and attending Friday Prayers since the early morning. Noi arrived back from Malaysia at 5.10 am and I opted to stay up and get the day in motion rather than going back to bed after sahur and doing the dawn prayer. Now I'm feeling the effects and also feeling oddly impatient to finish the fast. I say 'oddly' since I haven't felt this way since Day 3.

19.04

Close to buka, and still impatient. You'd think after all these years I'd have learnt something about waiting. And I have. But not enough.

21.05

Neither Noi nor myself have any great appetite after breaking the fast. This evening we're just finishing off bits & pieces left over the last few days along with a few boiled sweet potatoes we picked up in the morning's shopping. All very easy and highly satisfactory. A fitting low-key climax to all the effort of the last thirty days.

Lighting Up

29 Ramadhan, 1447

It's time to try and find some kind of light in the darkness.

Loss

28 Ramadhan, 1447

A day darkly coloured by deeply sad family news. We'd been worried by recent developments in Sharifah's illness throughout the month and these culminated in what felt like the sudden news of her death as Maghrib arrived today. She'd been in isolation in hospital since early in the month and been struggling with a lung infection. Things appeared to have taken a turn for the better recently, though, and she was actually back on an ordinary ward yesterday. But her oxygen levels suddenly dropped today and she was rushed to ICU. It seems the damage caused to her lungs by the infection was irreparable. 

Noi & Rozita are now working out how they are going to get to KL for the funeral, which is likely to take place tomorrow morning. Unfortunately I'm stuck here meeting deadlines and will be sticking to our original plan of travelling north over the Raya weekend. At least, it looks that way at the moment but things are understandably in flux.

But regardless of any planning the sense of loss is powerful. Hamza and the children have had time to prepare, but that's never really enough to help cope with the passing of someone so dearly loved & regarded.