Others

6 Ramadhan, 1440

An easier day today on the fasting front, simply because I got to go back to bed after the Dawn Prayer and felt a good deal more rested as a result when I finally surfaced. It wasn't all fun & games though, with plenty of marking to do.

Then this evening I was watching a programme about the fasting month in Italy. This being summer time in Europe there are plenty of hours to fast. It put my own minor struggle into proportion. As did a wry cartoon Noi showed me just now. The cartoon dialogue was in Malay and went roughly like this:

Son questioning father: Why must we fast in Ramadhan?

Father answering: So we can feel what poor people feel.

Son, puzzled: You mean poor people eat buffet food at Maghrib?

Inwards

5 Ramadhan, 1440

I referred yesterday to the disorientation experienced in the early days of Ramadhan. Perhaps I might better have written of reorientation. The world is made strange in a fundamental, simple way, forcing you to see it, and yourself, through different eyes. You're reminded of what a poor, vulnerable creature you are, and of the rich variousness of the world you find yourself in, so easily available, as you only really understand when you make it temporarily unavailable.

For me these early days always seem to be about inwardness. The challenge is in taking those steps that constitute the outward journey that goes beyond self, leaving self behind.

Just Another Day

4 Ramadhan, 1440

When I was looking ahead to Ramadhan several months ago it struck me that since fasting was to begin on Monday the first week was likely to involve a particular challenge. To experience the usual disorientation and strain of fasting with no break from work, at a busy time of the year was likely to be tough - very tough indeed. And so it has proved. Today has not felt like a day of easing into adjustment; it has felt like a day of unfamiliarity, harder than the first day in its way.

Basically I crashed big-time in the afternoon, fortunately allowed to do so by a relatively easy time-table. Lucky me.

But I have been able to keep going in my way. Operating within one's severe limitations is a distinctly educational experience.

The Great Beyond

3 Ramadhan, 1440

There's at least one point in every fasting month when I find myself thinking, I can't do this. Today's came mid-morning, before I was due to teach a longish lesson, and faced quite a demanding day. As always happens I ignored the thought and just got on with it. And, lo and behold, I could do it. And I will do it, insya'allah.

At The Limit

2 Ramadhan, 1440

I got home reasonably early in the afternoon, before 4.00 pm, intending to continue on-going marking. There really wasn't any reason for me not to get on with work, and I had and have plenty of work to be getting on with, yet I just couldn't do so. Having completed prayers I crashed out big-time, surfacing only an hour and a half later. It felt inevitable, as if nothing was going to keep me awake.

I pride myself as being someone who can keep going when others simply cannot. It's useful to know with certainty just how deluded I am regarding this false picture of myself. The holy month is a wonderful time for painful self-examination. It provides an unrelentingly truthful mirror at which to gaze at one's frailties, one's essential sad limitations.

Making A Start

1 Ramadhan, 1440

18.10
Not too much more fasting for today and all is well so far. No head ache at all, which is unusual for me on the first day, but now remembering just how tired a body can feel when beginning the fast.

20.10
Isn't it odd? That final hour of the fast was a bit on the difficult side. I had a duty to do for the last twenty-five minutes or so and I needed to push myself through it. The feeling of relief on being able to drink and eat again went deeper than I expected.

One of the great lessons of the season: You may think you know something about yourself, but the self is always escaping.

22.01
Another lesson of the season: You may think one day of fasting is something, but it's only a beginning; and if its lessons, and the lessons of the full fast, are forgotten, then it's the beginning of nothing.

The Way Ahead

Fasting begins tomorrow and even though I've undertaken the fast for more than two decades now, I still need all the inspiration I can get. A fine article in today's on-line version of The Guardian provided plenty of that. Although it was focused on those whose Ramadhan takes place in London there was much to recognise and feel empathy with. And the fact that the hours of fasting here are fewer than for our brothers and sisters in the UK helped render a sense of proportion about the difficulties ahead.

In truth, this is not about difficulties but rewards, and more than ample rewards at that. Selamat Puasa! to all who'll be sharing this most precious experience.

Glimpses

Listened to a fair few bits and pieces from Britten's The Prince of the Pagodas in between marking essays. Since the ballet breaks up nicely into bite-sized bits, many around two to three minutes in length, this worked well as a mode of listening. Indeed, I don't think I've ever listened quite so closely to the individual pieces of the suite before, usually getting lost in the box of delights on offer when I've listened at length, despite my general familiarity. Brilliant orchestration, among other outstanding features.

Realised that there's just loads of Britten I've never managed to sit down and listen to. Excited by the possibilities in future when I finally get a chance to apply myself to sustained appreciation. Funnily enough, this helps me mark with a reasonable level of cheerfulness - being able to glimpse horizons and associated territories beyond, I suppose.

The Spice Of Life

In a singular world it pays to be plural.

Variations On A Theme

Got to the gym this evening, making 44 visits in the first third of the year. Not quite sure how this works out in terms of number of times per week so far, but I'm reasonably pleased at the frequency. The challenge ahead will be fasting month. I intended to keep up the exercise in the early days of Ramadhan last year, but a strained back put an end to that. Hoping for a better outcome this year, but not exactly relying on this old body overmuch.

The immediate challenge I face is putting up with the monotony of repetitive exercise in the gym. How I long to run outside again, but that's too much of a risk given the vulnerability of my back, and, in truth, I'm grateful for discovering a way of getting the old heart rate up with little risk of impact injuries. It's worked for me for around 4 years now, possibly 5. Can't remember.

To vary things I occasionally alter the resistance on the machine, lowering it from my usual top rate, and then running for longer. And tonight I discovered the joys of focusing on getting my heart rate up instead of monitoring the calories used. On most evenings the heart rate monitor isn't exactly reliable, but tonight it behaved itself and I gradually climbed to 160 before my time was up, which felt just right. After that it was just a matter of convincing myself to work on some weights for a few minutes - now another dull but worthy part of the routine - and I left feeling even more virtuous than usual.

So, a good start to May all told.