Fantasyland

Thought I ought to add something to what I said yesterday about having no memory of actual events from late August for some three and a half weeks. Whilst this is absolutely the case it gives the impression that the period is represented by a kind of protracted blackout in my consciousness. In fact, in that time I experienced an extremely vivid series of fantasies almost all of which I remember very well. These were not at all dream-like in the conventional sense. The narratives involved unfolded at something like a 'normal' pace and there was nothing obviously surreal in terms of content, though what took place was disturbingly heightened and intense, sometimes involving an unpleasant smattering of violence.

I've talked to a few friends about the fantasies in general terms but stopped short of going into detail since it's difficult to single out a sequence that wasn't disturbing to some degree and distancing myself from my memories seems a sensible thing to do at this point in time. And I'll adopt the same strategy here. Besides, I suspect that dreams, however vivid, are only really of interest to the dreamer.

I should say that it's been extremely embarrassing to be told how I was actually behaving whilst caught in my delirium. Noi and various friends who were there in hospital to support me have been taking some delight in describing my odder moments, of which there more than a few. Must say I find myself baffled by the fact that I developed an intense desire to conduct Beethoven from my hospital bed - this before being consigned to the ICU. If I had any sense of dignity before my illness it's definitely all gone. Though it's well worth losing when I consider all the support I was given by so many to get me through the ordeal.