Lighting Up

28 Ramadhan, 1443

We left putting up the twinkling lights a little late this year. But they are now in place and we're happy to get that bit closer to a fitting conclusion to our fasting. Gentle preparation for the gentle celebrations to come. 

Highly Productive

27 Ramadhan, 1443

One member of our little household has been churning out Raya delights over the last few days on an epic scale. Evidence above. (Cakes in the boxes, by the way.) I envy those who'll be munching on all the goodies, but since I'll be amongst the number the envy doesn't strike all that deep.

At A Distance

26 Ramadhan, 1443

According to a message I got from Cheryl last weekend, the funeral for John was held this morning. She'd intended to tell her mum about it on Monday, but I'm not sure how that worked out. The possibility of Maureen being devastated by all this is very real, I'm afraid. I'm reluctant to trouble Cheryl too much by messaging her for an update, given the fact she's likely to be the key person dealing with all the on-going concerns. And, yes, I feel more than a small degree of guilt over not being around and able to help.

Now thinking of John and how deeply helpful he was in dealing with Mum, again at a time when I wasn't there to do the necessary. Like the rest of us, John was less than perfect. But it's good to remember the times when he listened to the guidance of his good angel - more often than some gave him credit for.

Not Standing Still

25 Ramadhan, 1443

Still moving forward through the great ocean of time, as I was reminded more than once today. As are we all. Lucky to have the chance to swim. As are we all. 

All Steamed Up

24 Ramadhan, 1443

In recent times the Missus has taken to producing a number of cakes towards the end of the fasting month which require steaming. She earns a fair few dollars by selling these to a discerning public, making the activity doubly productive, as it were. Must say, I appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit which goes some way to offset the mild discomfort of treading on slightly damp floors and inhabiting a somewhat over-heated apartment for the few days of steaming. But the thing is, the procedure has somehow become part of the spirit of the later days of the month for me, creating a sort of damp expectation.

And slipping away from it all into an air-conditioned bedroom adds to the curious satisfaction of it all.

In Moderation

23 Ramadhan, 1443

A week of fasting left. I have a childish habit of striking off each day thinking (as I will tomorrow), This is the last Tuesday on which I'll be fasting this year. Not terribly edifying, but over the years I've learnt that I can't fundamentally change who I am. I can just moderate the bits that are particularly stupid. And there are plenty of those.

The funny thing is that I know that after two days of no longer fasting I'll miss doing so.

Doing The Necessary

22 Ramadhan, 1443

Went to Geylang this afternoon to pay our zakat at Darul Arqam, as is our custom. It was fairly busy in the locale and we were lucky to get a parking lot right on the road outside the Darul Arqam building with relative ease. It isn't quite the same as the Geylang of old in terms of bustling crowds in the fasting month, but it's getting there. Indeed, there was quite a queue for payment of zakat, another welcome sign of revival.

As always the payment of our dues brought with it a sense of completing something. A salutary reminder that the fast whilst deeply significant is not an end in itself and is by no means the whole story of the month.

Without Whoomph

21 Ramadhan, 1443

I've been keeping up my reading of The Collected Poems of William Carlos Williams, Volume II: 1939 - 1962 and have arrived at 1960. The sheer range of Williams is startling. Towards the end he was still experimenting, adopting new verse forms and new voices. 

But there are also signs of declining energy, I think, especially in the various translations. I wonder how far he did these to get away from himself and the depression that disfigured his later years, especially after his strokes. I was startled to find out that a number of translations from the Chinese I thought were solely by WCW were, in fact, essentially the work of one David Wang, who sounds a fascinating figure in himself. It seems he died mysteriously, in his late forties. I'd feel inclined to do a bit of research on him, except for my own lack of the necessary whoomph. 

Thinking Ahead

20 Ramadhan, 1443

I'm not quite sure what got me thinking about it, but I spent a couple of minutes today contemplating how good it will feel to be back in the SAC at work enjoying a cuppa whilst gazing out of the window and thinking of not very much. I say I was contemplating but it would be truer to say I was visualising the scene with considerable intensity. But here's the funny thing: I was doing so without any desire to actually go down for the cuppa at that point in time. I was perfectly happy to locate my fantasy in the future and happy to wait for it to materialise.

There's deep comfort in knowing that simple good things come easily to hand in my life and being temporarily deprived of them is just a way to be reminded of just how deeply good they are.

At Ease

19 Ramadhan, 1443

My reading for the Holy Month has been severely limited in scope, I'm sorry to say. But I knew in advance this was likely to be the case and, accordingly, I had it in mind to read just one book. Actually, I should say re-read since I first read Michael Sells's Approaching The Qur'an several years ago, being very impressed with it then. And I'm happy to say that Prof Sells's commentary on the early revelations and his translation of quite a number has proved illuminating over the last twenty or so days.

His sense of the text challenging our understanding of what is real is simply yet powerfully conveyed: There is a sense of directness and intimacy, as if the hearer were being asked repeatedly a simple question: what will be of value at the end of a human life? When I read those words I recognised my own experience. Yes, when I first encountered these suras (in translation) that was exactly what I felt.

His translations strive for a similar noble simplicity. And reading them in an unhurried manner has helped me to grasp the power of that simplicity. In Sura 94, for example, the repetition: After the hard time / there is the easing / After the hard time / there is the easing, struck me as being quietly magical in its way, helping me glimpse something of the consolatory power of its mighty original.

Sometimes it's best not to try too hard.

The Mighty Fallen

18 Ramadhan, 1443

The darkest aspect of the news out of Anfield this morning was the fact that I knew it was going to be bad. And so did every other Man U fan I'd talked to in the days leading up to the fixture. Managed to avoid Liverpool supporters for most of the day - but not quite all of it. Abiding by the rules of natural justice they chose to rub it in, and how.

I patiently await the day when fortune's wheel turns again in favour of the red half of Manchester. But that looks like being a long, long time.

Under Examination

17 Ramadhan, 1443

Stretched to what felt like the maximum today. Not sure I passed the test exactly, but at least I didn't snap. (Well, not as far as I can tell.)

Reporting Time

16 Ramadhan, 1443

Moving into the second half of the Holy Month is a good time to make an assessment of how it's been for me this year. It's suspiciously easy to summarise: Fair Progress - but could do better.

Oddly enough this hoary cliche points to enough truth and meaning to make it worth recording.

Not Recommended

15 Ramadhan, 1443

Watched the two longish episodes of the documentary Jimmy Savile: A British Horror Story on Netflix over the last few days, and rather wished I hadn't. Not good viewing for fasting month when I really should be focusing on higher things since it's difficult to get any lower than the egregious Savile.

The deeply worrying thing about the whole saga was, of course, just how acceptable he made himself as a 'celebrity' - almost a national treasure in his final years - when it was obvious that there was something terminally creepy about him. I remember trying to explain to Noi who he was when she first saw him on the telly in the UK in the early 2000s and realising how genuinely revolting she found him - and immediately appreciating how right she was to do so. In self defence I should say I never liked the guy, but is that defence enough?

The protracted testimony of one of his victims featuring towards the end of the documentary was deeply disturbing in the best way. It didn't allow you to escape the grisly reality of it all and how an entire culture had failed. Another reason not to feel good about being British at this sad point in time.

Other Voices

14 Ramadhan, 1443

A quiet kind of day. Didn't leave home all day, except to travel internationally in terms of dealing with various examples of Individual Orals from the International Baccalaureate. Yes, the assessment season has arrived bringing with it a significant amount of additional work.

Nice to hear other voices articulating their particular concerns - especially when they do so successfully. Sadly there are always those that struggle to do so. A salutary reminder that what comes fairly easily to me is a challenge for others, and to strive to listen with some degree of charity - as much as the system allows, that is.

More Company

13 Ramadhan, 1443

A particularly loud and enjoyable breaking of the fast with various nieces and their parents around. And earlier in the day, a reasonably crowded mosque for Friday Prayers - I suppose partly due to the public holiday.

Welcome reminders of community in a time for turning inwards.

Out And About

12 Ramadhan, 1443

Broke my fast today with a group of colleagues at Arab Street. The place was happening, the burger fine, and the company excellent. Nice to get out into the world.

(Mind you, getting parked in the environs was a bit of a trial. Had to take the car-lift up to level 4 at the Golden Landmark building and only just made it in time to buka.)

Loss

11 Ramadhan, 1443

Still feeling the loss of John - and the losses over the years of so many others who meant so much to me.

Difficult to imagine the extent of loss felt by those who lose someone young who's close to them. A sombre day in the light of such a loss being suffered within the school community.

Matters Of Weight

10 Ramadhan, 1443

I weighed myself in the run-up to fasting and was surprised that I was a little under my fighting weight. I suppose this could be attributed to a lot of running about at work since I'd been making no conscious effort to shed kilos and I've not been to the gym for some time. Indeed, I wondered if it might be a false reading since I felt a bit on the heavy side. However, I weighed myself again yesterday and the reading was close to the previous, just a tad lighter. So it looks like the original was accurate.

I suppose I'm quite pleased by this, but for health rather than aesthetic reasons. (In aesthetic terms I'm happy to consider myself a lost cause.) Having said that, I'm wary of losing too many kilos for comfort in the days of fasting that lie ahead. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing, you know and I can't afford to go down a size in trousers.

Coming Down To Earth

9 Ramadhan, 1443

I'm uneasily conscious of how rarely I post anything in the Holy Month of an overtly spiritual nature. Indeed, my consciousness at this time is definitely rooted in dealing with challenges relating to the physical dimension of life. But I'm inclined to make a special plea in relation to this conundrum. I'd tentatively suggest that part of the point of the fast is to make us keenly aware of the limitations of the physical and open perspectives on aspects of our lives that transcend such limitations, if only ever so briefly. (At least in the case of sadly earthbound souls like myself.)

In The Crowd

8 Ramadhan, 1443 

We got ourselves out to Kerbau Road, near Serangoon Road, in the early afternoon. Noi was tracking down the tins of ghee she needs for the baking she intends for the season. She requires plenty of the stuff since she now has lots of orders for her various biscuits, and Serangoon is the place to go for the right brand at the right price.

We were only there for fifty minutes or so - also buying some prata for the breaking of the fast at Komala's whilst we were in the vicinity - but that was more than enough time to feel overwhelmed by the energy of the crowd gathered for the weekend. It was a relief to get away, but a good reminder that looking inward is all very well but it's not wise to detach oneself from a world that dwarfs the self.

Reminders

7 Ramadhan, 1443

Crashed out mightily in the early afternoon after coming back from a morning spent at work. And even after that had to struggle to stay awake and get some marking done.

The need to rest seems written into my bones, and fasting involves powerful reminders of that need, perhaps even more than the reminders of the necessity of sustenance. Reminders of fundamentals we neglect at our peril. Reminders of essential dependency and frailty.  

And Still Remembering

6 Ramadhan, 1443

It's been ten years since Mum died. That's difficult to comprehend. I needed to check just now regarding the exact date and was genuinely surprised at the length of time involved.

When I was younger I assumed that memories faded, turning a sort of nostalgic sepia, as in the movies. Now I know they don't. If anything they grow sharper as if the background of endless loss makes them more definite. And, strangely, they always involve happiness. The fact that Mum could be extremely irritating at times is not something I'd deny, but it just doesn't seem worth thinking about; so I don't.

I suppose the same will be true of memories of John. He could drive me crazy at times, and he certainly managed to do that with Mum, but in the final analysis it will be his helpfulness and wry good humour I'll remember, I'm sure. Funnily enough, when we used to talk about him that's what Mum invariably referenced once she'd got the complaints out of the way.

Making Adjustments

5 Ramadhan, 1443

One of the features of fasting over an extended period is the way that the fast begins to feel like the norm, just the way things are. I'm not feeling that yet, but there are signs - the key one being forgetting one is fasting for hours at a time.

Actually I'm still experiencing difficulties making adjustments. Around 3.00 pm I felt so deeply weary that it seemed impossible just to climb a flight of stairs. But that also felt right somehow. A necessary and welcome part of the fast.

More Remembering

4 Ramadhan, 1443

Spent some time on a busy day remembering John. There's a lot to remember, a fair amount of which cannot be recounted here, I'm afraid. He was very much a 'character'. Over the last couple of years I told a few stories about him to Peter at work, and Pete was sometimes genuinely shocked, I think - as well as amused.

My earliest memories of him, dating as best as I can recall from my late teenage years, involve a tall, extremely confident, rather intimidating figure. Not someone you would want to mess with. Fortunately he seemed to like and sort of respect our family; those he didn't warm to usually found out that such was the case even on a brief acquaintance. More recent memories involve a diminished version of the man. His voice, on the phone, became frail and uncertain, that of a very old man. Which is what he was. Yet the elderly John was far more impressive than the younger version. He had much to deal with and did so with a cranky good humour that became strangely wise - strangely, I say, because wisdom was the last quality you could accuse him of.

I'll miss him, and I worry that the same, but very much multiplied, will be true of my sister. 

Remembering

3 Ramadhan, 1443

Came home barely in time to break the fast to find Noi on the phone to Cheryl. Sad news. Brother-in-law John died over the weekend following being hospitalised after a nasty fall in the bathroom. Maureen is in a care home again, and doesn't yet know that John didn't make it. So the extended blessings I was hoping they'd get to enjoy didn't materialise. As I say, sad.

But good to remember the bright times they were granted - and the hard-earned peace of their final months together.

Adjustments

2 Ramadhan, 1443

18.52

No sign of any headache at all today. Surprised and gratified at the adjustment. But aware that progress may not be linear. It never is. Which is part of the richness of the experience.

Will be breaking the fast in another twenty minutes or so and will celebrate doing so in a small way.

20.50

The fasting month always begins with a turning inward for me - an intense monitoring of the self as a way to rise to the challenge. This looks like selfishness, and feels like selfishness. The difficult thing to remember is that the experience needs to transcend the self. Not easy.

Struggling

1 Ramadhan, 1443

15.40

Dealing with a mild headache and hoping it won't increase in severity. But the main problem today has got nothing to do with fasting, as far as I'm aware. I struggled with an achy left side for prayers this morning and the discomfort has increased in intensity as the day has gone on. Am feeling the need to take a couple of panadols but will delay these until the time for the breaking of the fast.

20.00

Feeling quite a bit better now, having broken the fast, but achy left sides don't suddenly fade away, I'm afraid. Will need to cope with this for the week ahead, which is going to be a busy one. So, a challenge - which is par for the course for Ramadhan and, in a curious, cautious way, to be welcomed.

The Readiness Is All

Not sure I'm really ready for fasting in the Holy Month, which begins tomorrow. But I'm not sure that one can ever be truly ready in terms of meeting all the demands incumbent upon the believer. One can only be ready to surrender as best as one is able and readily submit to the test.

Playing The Fool

Thought it might be a good wheeze to give a spin to one of the finest of live albums on this great Day of Fools. And it was.