Pain

For some twenty days or so my back has been troubling me, and for the last three or four I've been dealing with real pain. Except it's not quite like that. It begins, when I'm standing, as a kind of absence in the lower back, an absence of ease, something like a numbness. This translates itself steadily over time into a distinct presence, accompanied by a mild heat, that seems to radiate in almost wave-like fashion. It's constant, but surprisingly easily forgotten, if something catches my attention. But there remains a kind of awareness, almost a memory of sensation - until I focus again on the idea of being in enough discomfort to call it pain and it becomes pain. Not terrible pain. In fact, quite easy to bear, but pain nonetheless.

I feel intensely vulnerable and keep thinking I don't think I could cope if I were in a fight. This is odd since it's quite some years since I fought anyone. I'm also aware of how easily irritated I feel once I've crossed the ten-minute standing barrier.

I am recognising an old companion - this is the chronic pain that dogged me relentlessly for some five or six years. I'm hoping this time it's here on a fleeting visit, but aware there's some possibility my optimism may be unfounded. But that's not too bad - this is a faint shadow of the real suffering that dogs so many unfortunates and I cannot count myself amongst their number. So this is by way of an acknowledgement and greeting, old friend.