In The Crowd

8 Ramadhan, 1443 

We got ourselves out to Kerbau Road, near Serangoon Road, in the early afternoon. Noi was tracking down the tins of ghee she needs for the baking she intends for the season. She requires plenty of the stuff since she now has lots of orders for her various biscuits, and Serangoon is the place to go for the right brand at the right price.

We were only there for fifty minutes or so - also buying some prata for the breaking of the fast at Komala's whilst we were in the vicinity - but that was more than enough time to feel overwhelmed by the energy of the crowd gathered for the weekend. It was a relief to get away, but a good reminder that looking inward is all very well but it's not wise to detach oneself from a world that dwarfs the self.

Reminders

7 Ramadhan, 1443

Crashed out mightily in the early afternoon after coming back from a morning spent at work. And even after that had to struggle to stay awake and get some marking done.

The need to rest seems written into my bones, and fasting involves powerful reminders of that need, perhaps even more than the reminders of the necessity of sustenance. Reminders of fundamentals we neglect at our peril. Reminders of essential dependency and frailty.  

And Still Remembering

6 Ramadhan, 1443

It's been ten years since Mum died. That's difficult to comprehend. I needed to check just now regarding the exact date and was genuinely surprised at the length of time involved.

When I was younger I assumed that memories faded, turning a sort of nostalgic sepia, as in the movies. Now I know they don't. If anything they grow sharper as if the background of endless loss makes them more definite. And, strangely, they always involve happiness. The fact that Mum could be extremely irritating at times is not something I'd deny, but it just doesn't seem worth thinking about; so I don't.

I suppose the same will be true of memories of John. He could drive me crazy at times, and he certainly managed to do that with Mum, but in the final analysis it will be his helpfulness and wry good humour I'll remember, I'm sure. Funnily enough, when we used to talk about him that's what Mum invariably referenced once she'd got the complaints out of the way.

Making Adjustments

5 Ramadhan, 1443

One of the features of fasting over an extended period is the way that the fast begins to feel like the norm, just the way things are. I'm not feeling that yet, but there are signs - the key one being forgetting one is fasting for hours at a time.

Actually I'm still experiencing difficulties making adjustments. Around 3.00 pm I felt so deeply weary that it seemed impossible just to climb a flight of stairs. But that also felt right somehow. A necessary and welcome part of the fast.

More Remembering

4 Ramadhan, 1443

Spent some time on a busy day remembering John. There's a lot to remember, a fair amount of which cannot be recounted here, I'm afraid. He was very much a 'character'. Over the last couple of years I told a few stories about him to Peter at work, and Pete was sometimes genuinely shocked, I think - as well as amused.

My earliest memories of him, dating as best as I can recall from my late teenage years, involve a tall, extremely confident, rather intimidating figure. Not someone you would want to mess with. Fortunately he seemed to like and sort of respect our family; those he didn't warm to usually found out that such was the case even on a brief acquaintance. More recent memories involve a diminished version of the man. His voice, on the phone, became frail and uncertain, that of a very old man. Which is what he was. Yet the elderly John was far more impressive than the younger version. He had much to deal with and did so with a cranky good humour that became strangely wise - strangely, I say, because wisdom was the last quality you could accuse him of.

I'll miss him, and I worry that the same, but very much multiplied, will be true of my sister. 

Remembering

3 Ramadhan, 1443

Came home barely in time to break the fast to find Noi on the phone to Cheryl. Sad news. Brother-in-law John died over the weekend following being hospitalised after a nasty fall in the bathroom. Maureen is in a care home again, and doesn't yet know that John didn't make it. So the extended blessings I was hoping they'd get to enjoy didn't materialise. As I say, sad.

But good to remember the bright times they were granted - and the hard-earned peace of their final months together.

Adjustments

2 Ramadhan, 1443

18.52

No sign of any headache at all today. Surprised and gratified at the adjustment. But aware that progress may not be linear. It never is. Which is part of the richness of the experience.

Will be breaking the fast in another twenty minutes or so and will celebrate doing so in a small way.

20.50

The fasting month always begins with a turning inward for me - an intense monitoring of the self as a way to rise to the challenge. This looks like selfishness, and feels like selfishness. The difficult thing to remember is that the experience needs to transcend the self. Not easy.

Struggling

1 Ramadhan, 1443

15.40

Dealing with a mild headache and hoping it won't increase in severity. But the main problem today has got nothing to do with fasting, as far as I'm aware. I struggled with an achy left side for prayers this morning and the discomfort has increased in intensity as the day has gone on. Am feeling the need to take a couple of panadols but will delay these until the time for the breaking of the fast.

20.00

Feeling quite a bit better now, having broken the fast, but achy left sides don't suddenly fade away, I'm afraid. Will need to cope with this for the week ahead, which is going to be a busy one. So, a challenge - which is par for the course for Ramadhan and, in a curious, cautious way, to be welcomed.

The Readiness Is All

Not sure I'm really ready for fasting in the Holy Month, which begins tomorrow. But I'm not sure that one can ever be truly ready in terms of meeting all the demands incumbent upon the believer. One can only be ready to surrender as best as one is able and readily submit to the test.

Playing The Fool

Thought it might be a good wheeze to give a spin to one of the finest of live albums on this great Day of Fools. And it was.